Talking To Your Children About COVID19
The current outbreak of COVID-19, also known as coronavirus, has resulted in a worldwide pandemic not seen since the Spanish flu of 1918. A key difference in the current pandemic, though, is that we are living in a 24/7 information age, in which information spread is almost instantaneous. And in this age, panic can happen very quickly, as can the spread of misinformation about the illness.
So, how to talk to children about this very real scary world pandemic?
First, check in with yourself before you talk with your children. Are you freaked out? If you are naturally a person who fears illness or have a seriously ill family member, are ill yourself, or have lost a family member to an infectious disease, or for other reasons are worried that a conversation with your kids will be too fraught for you, consider having your partner or another adult take the lead.
Before you sit down with your children, ask yourself these questions:
How much do my kids already know? What have they heard from others – friends, family, social media, and the news? If your children are very young, they are less likely to know much about the illness. But once children are in school, there is little doubt they will have heard about coronavirus.
What am I willing to share with my children? There are many details about the virus and its spread that are beyond the understanding of young children. And even with elementary age children, parents may opt not to share specific details that they either don’t know enough about, or that they are concerned will unnecessarily frighten their children. Parents of teens may be faced with helping their youth process what a pandemic means for our world. And parents of children of all ages will likely need to help their children separate hearsay from real and important health information.
What do I know about the coronavirus? Before you talk with your children, it’s worth finding out as much as you can about COVID-19 yourself. Good sources for reliable information include the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (www.cdc.gov), and the National Institutes of Health (www.nih.gov). Most importantly, learn about how best to protect yourself, your children, your parents, and the older and sicker individuals in your family and community. All of us feel a lot better when we have strategies to protect ourselves and those around us, and children are no exception.
The conversation, below, is between parents and their 10 year-old twins, and is not meant to be a script, but rather an example of a set of principles about how to have this discussion with curious young minds. These principles follow key guidelines. First, start the conversation on a positive note. Then, listen well and gather information, using active listening skills. Make sure to regulate your own emotions – it’s important to focus on how your children are feeling, and that’s hard to do if you are feeling overwhelmed. Help your children to put words to what they are feeling, but don’t assume you know. Clues to what they are feeling are their bodily sensations (e.g., sweaty hands, heart beating fast) and facial expressions. Validating their feelings shows kids that feelings are OK and that you aren’t judging them. Model skills to help your children respond to big emotions. Share information, set limits and problem-solve as needed, but end on a positive note.
In this case, Marcy and Frank know that their children have heard about the virus, but they haven’t had a chance to sit down and talk with them. This afternoon, though, their daughter Deborah was on FaceTime with her best friend Nina, and later came into the kitchen, crying. Nina’s grandma was just diagnosed with the illness and is in the hospital.
Mom: Honey, you look so sad. I can see that your mouth is turned down and your eyes are so wet. Are you feeling sad? Or something else?
Deborah: Mom, my friend Nina says that lots of people are dying from the coronavirus. Her grandma is in the hospital. Is she gonna die?
Mom: (Takes a breath. She hadn’t anticipated her kids would be affected by coronavirus so quickly.) Let’s sit down. I just took your favorite cake out of the oven. And I’ll get you a glass of milk to go with it.
Mom uses the snack as a way to get her own thoughts together.
Mom: Goodness, I’m guessing your conversation with Nina involved lots of emotions.
Before answering Deborah’s question, Mom wants to find out how Deborah is feeling.
Deborah: Nina’s so worried for her grandma! And I’m sad for Nina. Her grandma is really sick from the corona. Will everybody get it now? Is our Grandma Joan going to get sick?
Mom: You sound pretty worried as well as sad. What are you feeling in your body? Deborah: My tummy feels funny. And my head hurts a bit. Can kids get coronavirus?
Mom: I wonder if you’re wondering whether you might be sick, too? Wow, that’s a lot to think and worry about. I would be worried too, if I were you. I remember when I was your age, and my friend Samantha – her grandma got really sick. And then, Samantha got sick, too. She was fine – she just had the flu. But we all were worried that we would get sick and end up in the hospital.
Mom helps Deborah to identify what she’s feeling, by reflecting on her facial expression and asking her what she’s feeling in her body. She identifies what seems to be Deborah’s core concern: whether she and her grandma might get sick. Then she validates Deborah’s worries with an example from her own childhood.
Mom: There’s so much to talk about - how about we get your brother and sit down and talk about it. Are you up for that?
Deborah: OK
Mom calls Deborah’s twin brother, Neil, who joins them.
Neil: My friends said that you can get coronavirus by touching food at the supermarket. So we should do all our shopping quick, before everybody infects everybody else! And that the supermarket is going to run out of food, because everybody is buying so much! Is that true, Mom?
Deborah: And Nina said that her mom said that everybody should wear masks all the time. Is that true, mom?
Mom: Wow! No wonder you both are so worried! There’s so much talk about this. And so much to think about. And wonder and worry about. Neil – how are you feeling?
Before addressing everything that the kids have heard by helping them to distinguish facts from hearsay, Mom helps Neil to identify his emotions.
Neil: I’m just kinda mad because I heard that we might not be able to see our friends and play sports again for a really long time. Is that true, mom?
Mom: Gosh. I bet you’re mad! Your face looks red, and your eyes look pretty intense, like you are mad, too. Are you feeling mad?
Neil: Yes!
Mom: I’m guessing lots of kids are mad like you that they have to stay home and can’t play sports and other team activities. So many things for us to talk about. How about this? Dad will be home soon. We were planning to cook burgers this evening. Let’s meet after dinner. How does that sound?
Mom normalizes Neil’s irritation about the cancelations (“I’m guessing lots of kids are mad like you...”) and realizes that with a lot to discuss, this conversation would be better held with dad present, and later on, after they’ve had time to prepare.
Neil: Yum! Burgers?
Mom: You got it!
They convene later, after dinner. Mom has had a chance to talk briefly with dad about the kids’ concerns.
Mom: (to dad) There’s a lot of talk and rumors going around about the coronavirus. And Sharon’s friend Nina’s grandma is really sick and in hospital.
Dad: Wow – so much going on, and a lot to worry about. I bet you kids have been hearing all kinds of stuff.
Dad wants to gather information about what the kids have heard.
Neil: Dad – Jason and Shanequa saw each other on the street today. Jason sneezed and Shanequa got mad at him because she said that’s how people give other people the virus. Is that true?
Mom: OK, so we are hearing lots of things about the virus. And so many big emotions go along with hearing about it. And so much to ask about and to talk about. How about this? Let’s talk about what the coronavirus is – fact and fiction.
Dad: So, this is a scary time for lots of people. There is an illness – it’s called COVID-19, even though most people call it coronavirus – and it is catching, or contagious. For example, if somebody coughs on you, and they have the virus, they can give it to you.
Mom: That’s the same with most viruses. You know we take you for flu shots each year, right? Neil and Sharon (together): Ugh!
Mom: Right, but we do that to protect you from the flu. That’s a virus, too. You can get the flu if you play catch, or kiss, or get sneezed on by somebody who has it. We have shots for some viruses, like the flu, but not for others, like when we all got the stomach flu last year, remember? First daddy and Neil, and then me and Sharon. And there’s no shot right now for coronavirus.
Sharon: So are we all gonna get it? And get really sick? And end up in hospital?
Dad: I can see that you are worried. You told me you’ve been hearing all these stories from your friends, and there is so much about this on the internet. It’s hard to know how many people will get it. But here’s what’s really important. The virus is pretty harmless to healthy young people like you two, mom and I. If we get the virus it’ll likely be no different from getting the flu. So no, it’s very unlikely any of us will get really sick and end up in hospital. In fact, many young people like you two might have the virus without even knowing you have it, without you feeling bad at all.
Mom and Dad are explaining, in age-appropriate terms, what a virus is, how it is transmitted, and how some – but not all - viruses can be prevented with immunizations. Without this kind of clear, factual discussion, the kids will get their information from sources that likely are less credible: friends, and/or the internet. Providing this information also reassures the kids that for most people, the virus is no worse than the flu.
Sharon: So how come Nina’s grandma’s in the hospital?
Mom: Well, for a small number of people, the virus makes them very sick. For example, older people and people who are already sick, can get much sicker from the coronavirus. They might have to go to the hospital.
Neil: But what about grandma Joan?
Mom: Well, grandma Joan has asthma, and she’s 75, so you are right to ask about her. She’s really healthy now, and we want her to stay that way.
Dad: So we’ve decided that we aren’t going to visit her for now, just in case one of us has the virus and doesn’t know it, and spreads it to her by mistake.
Explaining why some people are far more vulnerable to the virus helps the kids to understand why certain measures are in place – for example, social distancing, and encouraging older and sicker adults to stay home.
Mom: We’re going to do her shopping for her and talk to her lots and lots on FaceTime. But we think it’s best to leave her alone for now, so she doesn’t get sick.
Sharon: Is that why Nina’s grandma’s in the hospital? Because her family visited her and made her sick?
Mom: I don’t know how Nina’s grandma got sick, and Nina’s family also probably doesn’t know. When an illness spreads, it’s sometimes hard to know who got it from whom. It doesn’t really matter, either.
Dad: That’s right. The main thing is to do whatever we can to make sure that other people don’t get our germs, so that we can all stay healthy.
Neil: What do you mean, dad?
Dad: So, remember how we’ve taught you to wash your hands after going to the bathroom? Neil: Yeah.
Mom: We taught you that because washing your hands gets rid of germs that can make you sick. Washing your hands is the best way to keep viruses and germs away. Dad – show them the handwashing dance!
Dad does a handwashing demo. He walks over to the sink and dances while putting soap on his hands, and washing them thoroughly – fingers, nails, wrists, for 30 seconds. The kids laugh.
Mom: It looks pretty fun, and funny, right? But that small thing really helps to prevent illnesses like the coronavirus from spreading. And there’s something else, too. Anybody guess what that is?
Sharon: mimes sneezing into the crook of her elbow.
Dad: yes! When we sneeze, or cough, and we all need to do that sometimes, especially when we have a cold, it’s really important to cover our nose and mouth. Use a tissue if possible, and then throw it right away, but if that’s not possible, sneeze into your elbow.
Neil: Why? That’s gross!
Mom: Seems gross, but it’s much more gross to sneeze into your hand and then touch your friend, or the ball, and pass your germs, and maybe the virus onto other people. You don’t usually touch people with your elbow, right? But we touch all kinds of things with our hands. That’s why it’s never a good idea to sneeze into them.
Sharon: Does the virus come out in sneezes?
Dad: That’s right, and also when people cough. So coughs should also go into a tissue, or your elbow.
Neil: OK, I get that, but why are old people getting so sick?
Mom: When you get really old – and I mean really old, not old like me and dad! – your body isn’t at strong at fighting off new infections. That’s why we really have to protect older people. And that’s why we decided to leave grandma Joan alone for now, until most people have gotten over the virus. We can check in with her every day on FaceTime and by phone, but we won’t unnecessarily expose her to the virus.
Dad: Some older people, though, can’t stay home. They might have to go to work, or they might not have anybody to do their shopping for them. So that’s why it’s extra important to look after our personal hygiene. We don’t want to get the virus ourselves, but we especially don’t want to make someone older very sick by forgetting to cover our mouths when we sneeze or cough.
Sharon: Uh huh. But what about the supermarket? Can we catch the virus by touching stuff there?
Mom: That’s a great question. Viruses live best in humans, but sometimes they can live on surfaces for a few hours. That’s why we don’t like you touching stuff at the supermarket – especially fresh fruit and vegetables. We don’t like germs being shared between anybody but especially not when there’s a pretty catching illness going around.
Dad: So we’re going to be pretty strict about the not touching rule from now on, OK? Both kids nod.
Mom and Dad share strategies that they all can use to prevent spread of the illness, including modeling good handwashing. This helps the children feel that there are things they can do to limit the spread of the disease.
Mom: How are you two feeling?
Neil: OK
Sharon: OK
Dad: Mom and I want you to keep talking with us – please share anything you’ve heard that makes you worried or scared. Daddy and I have been finding out what we can about this illness and we can check the facts together.
Mom and Dad check in with the kids to make sure they are feeling OK, and have no more questions for now. Most important, Dad’s comment keeps the door open for the questions that are likely to follow over the next days, weeks, and months.
Mom: We have a little bit of time before bed. How about we play your favorite board game?